Three Brides For Three Brothers
by liquidtopaz2
Summary: Lonely brothers Edward, Jasper, and Emmett live in the mountains and only dream of a life with 3 beautiful women from town...until Uncle Carlisle helps them take things into their own hands! Parody of 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.' A/H


_I have been playing with this idea for a while now, and it's my first attempt at writing a fanfiction story. I love it, but please take it with a grain of salt! It's based on the 1950's movie/musical "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." If you haven't seen it...go! Now (This story might make a little more sense if you do...)! I love this movie and I think it's absolutely hilarious, and the other day I wondered what would happen if instead of the Pontipee boys, it starred the magnificent Cullens...you be the judge! _

**Three Brides for Three Brothers**

**Chapter 1****  
**

Jasper glanced over his shoulder one last time, calming slightly at the view of the mountains behind him. He wasn't nervous exactly, just a little...uneasy. He never did feel quite at home in town. He always made sure he was busy with something important when a trip to town loomed in the future, but this time, he just couldn't get out of it. His brothers were having none of that.

"Will you quit worrying Jasper? We're not even there yet. I won't let any girls get you, I promise," Emmett rolled his eyes as he drove the horses expertly around a large dip in the dirt road.

"They won't get a chance even if they want one – we all know Emmett will monopolize every single one of them from the moment he parks this wagon," Edward said, laughing.

"Hey, leave me alone about it. You both remember last time I came with you to town. You know I have a very valid reason to dislike coming down here," Jasper said, shuddering slightly in memory.

"How could I ever forget the look on your face when that girl Lauren wouldn't leave you alone? Most guys would have loved it, but you...you almost had a heart attack. She was unbelievable! Do you remember what she did with---"

"That's enough! You're killing my very last hope of a normal trip, Emmett. Shut your mouth and drive on," Jasper growled.

"Oh get over it, Jasper. Really, your emotional problems aside, it's actually great to be back in town again. At least we'll finally be able to trade for some new supplies and get a couple of decent meals. Edward's cooking isn't exactly -" Emmett was cut off as a fist connected with his side.

"Watch it, buddy, or you'll be cooking your own dinner from now on," Edward warned. "I didn't ask to do the cooking in this family, but I'm stuck with it because you two would burn the place down boiling water."

The three backwoodsmen grew silent as they pulled onto the main road in town. Forks was a relatively small place, but it was the closest town to their mountain homestead. It was hard for them to get away from their busy farm life even for a day, so they saved the trip until they were very low on supplies, then came to town to trade for everything they needed at once. They usually waited a few months before the next trip.

Edward motioned toward the general store. "Jasper and I will start in on our list at Cope's. Emmett, you go to the post and see if we have any mail."

"Got it. If you don't see me for awhile, don't worry. You boys know how it is. When you look this good, it's hard for the ladies to stay away," Emmett grinned and tugged on his full, dark beard.

Jasper raised an eyebrow as they all jumped from the wagon. "If you sick one of them – and I mean _one_ of them on me for some kind of joke...all I can say is you will surely regret it, brother."

Emmett's retort blew away with the wind as he headed down the wide street toward the post office. Edward, followed by Jasper, entered the general store, and the plump, red-headed woman behind the counter snapped to attention.

"Why, the Cullen brothers! Well I'll be! You've decided to make an appearance! We never can tell when you boys will show up and buy us out of pocket knives and long underwear. It is nice to know that you're all alive and healthy though. The three of you living up there in the mountains all alone, well that's just plain ridiculous if you ask me. Why it's been years since your father passed. You aren't just going to live up there forever are you?" Mrs. Cope, flustered by the appearance of the two strapping men, babbled rather incoherently.

Edward smiled politely in response. "Mrs. Cope, it's nice to see you again. We were hoping to fill quite a long list of items today, if you have everything in stock."

Poor Mrs. Cope was trying hard remain ladylike and think about Edward and Jasper as typical customers, but that was proving difficult. Typical they were not. Edward, the shorter of the two by a hair, was lean but muscular, with piercing green eyes and tousled, bronze-colored hair that shined even in the shadows. His intensely handsome face and soul-searching eyes made him quite dazzling. Jasper, tall and leonine, had light blue eyes and short-cropped blond hair. There was something formal, almost military, in his bearing, yet his expression was invitingly peaceful. Mrs. Cope didn't stand a chance.

As Edward placed his crumpled list on the wooden counter, Emmett bounded through the door carrying the mail. Equal in height with Jasper but much larger in stature, at first glance Emmett was massive and intimidating. His curly dark hair and jovial expression complimented his size, leaving him very appealing, but still generally overwhelming. In a good way.

"We had a newspaper and a letter from our Aunt Esme," Emmett said as he strode to the counter. "It says she is coming this way on her trip next month and hopes to stop for a visit, but she wrote it almost three weeks ago, which means she could be here in about a week."

Mrs. Cope looked up from the long underwear drawer. "You have a female relation coming to stay with you? One lone women with three scroungy backwoodsmen? That's indecent if you ask me," she said, huffing.

"Oh no ma'am," said Jasper quickly, "she'll be bringing her husband along, I'm sure." He looked to Emmett for confirmation, and Emmett nodded. "His name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and don't worry ma'am, we'll treat them well while they stay with us."

"I'm sure you will. I assume you'll enjoy a woman around to cook your meals and mend your clothes and clean up after you," she said, shaking a brown woolen sock at him. "Maybe once you get a taste of how nice life can be with a woman around, you'll make an effort to court some of our local girls instead of keeping away as though we town folk have the plague!"

"Believe me, ma'am, all three of us would be in town much more frequently if we had the time. We just adore the local girls," Emmett announced with a wink. Mrs Cope blushed. Jasper blanched. Edward pinched the bridge of his nose.

As the men traipsed in an out of the store carrying supplies to the wagon, Mrs. Cope suddenly stopped, wrist-deep in the flour barrel, to yell to them, "You boys know about the barn raising next month don't you? It would be a wonderful opportunity to show yourselves in town!"

Emmett tossed a brown paper package into the wagon. "Can't say I'd heard, but I'd sure like to," he smiled. "Will you be there ma'am?" he asked teasingly.

Mrs. Cope blushed and said "Oh, Emmett Cullen. I've had about enough of you. You just show up next month and bring your two brothers and make a day of it," she commanded, poking him with the flour scoop.

"Yes ma'am. I think we'll do just that."

As they finished their transactions and left the store, Emmett smiled and winked at Mrs. Cope once more. She dropped a handful of nails on the floor and blushed, and as they walked down the street, they heard her muttering about 'those good for nothing handsome Cullen boys.'

After a few more errands and a hearty meal at the local bar, the three men were on their way back to the wagon when Emmett suddenly stopped and said "Let's take a little detour, boys."

Edward followed his gaze into a shop across the street, where two pretty girls were browsing. Shaking his head in amazement, he stepped off the boardwalk to join Emmett, if only to keep an eye on his impulsive brother. Jasper followed, oblivious to everything except the new history book he had just purchased. As they stepped into the store, Edward quietly asked Emmett what his story would be this time.

"You do realize we're in a women's dress shop," he whispered.

Emmett shrugged him off. "Not a problem," he whispered back. "Watch the master at work."

He walked further into the store and saw the girls disappear into the next room. His pursuit was interrupted by a shrill voice.

"May I help you gentlemen?" asked a small, elderly woman. She stood behind the counter, looking at them quizzically.

Her voice snapped Jasper out of his reading trance, and he looked directly at her. She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

"Uh, I'm..." he said, looking desperately at the bolts of floral cloth on the shelves, and the baskets of buttons and lace on the counter.

She strode toward them, stopping in front of Jasper, who also happened to be closest. For such a small woman, she was rather formidable. Whipping her silver spectacles off her face, she peered up at him. He backed up and bumped into a dress form. As he turned to say excuse me, he blushed crimson when he noticed the dress form wearing only a lacy corset. He spun on his heel and met the woman's gaze again.

"Just what do you think you're doing there?" she asked sternly. "I dare say that one wouldn't fit you at all. You are too broad in the chest and too narrow in the hips. Now, unless you'd like to be measured for a proper corset, I suggest all of you remove yourselves from this store immediately or I shall be forced to call Sheriff Swan."

That was all it took for Jasper to bolt for the wagon. He walked as quickly as was polite out of the store, on his way (very unfortunately for him) catching a piece of ribbon on his coat. The elderly woman ran after him and demanded he hand over the ribbon, "for I know a man like you will take this home to dress up your horse!" she accused.

Jasper closed his eyes for a moment, almost overwhelmed, then strode hurriedly to the wagon. After apologizing and making up an excuse about happening into the shop by mistake, Edward and Emmett arrived at the wagon, trying unsuccessfully to hold in their laughter. Jasper was already in the wagon, ready to go. Without taking his eyes off the mountains in the distance, he pointed a finger at his brothers and said in a hard tone, "Not a word. Not a single word."

***

That night the three brothers lounged by the fire at home. Edward played a simple tune on his mother's old piano while Emmett relaxed on a stool, cleaning his shotgun. Jasper, once again engrossed in his history book, sat with his feet up on an old wooden chest.

"I sure wish I could have spoken to those girls today," Emmett said, sighing.

"Wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'll tell you what would have happened. You would have winked, joked, smiled, made them blush, and then never seen them again. Then you'd be here tonight complaining about how you lost your only shot at true love. For the fifth time. Face it, Emmett, we're never going to find girls who will have us. It would take a special girl to be willing to move all the way out here and deal with all of us, let alone finding three of them," Edward said resignedly. "I don't think I'll ever find the girl for me."

"Realistically," Jasper added, looking up from his book, "we're all so inept at talking to girls that this whole discussion is ridiculous. Emmett's a huge flirt, Edward's too negative, and I'm just not going to go there."

"Aw, Jasper, there's always that sweet lady from the dress shop today. She really seemed to take a fancy to ---" Emmett was cut off as Jasper gave his stool a hard kick and he fell flat on his back.

"Doggonit Jasper, I could have shot my eye out with this thing," Emmett yelled, tossing his shotgun aside carelessly. He buckled Jasper's knees from where he lay on the floor and as Jasper fell they began wrestling. Edward played for another minute, finishing his song before carefully closing the lid over the piano keys and jumping into the pile.

Six days later, as the three brothers sat at their large wooden table finishing breakfast, Edward commented on the fact that their Aunt and Uncle were due to arrive any day.

"I had completely forgotten about that. Do you think we should do anything?" Emmett asked.

"Well she and Carlisle can have Father's room, and since we never use that room I think it's probably fine," Edward answered, chewing the last of his oatmeal.

"Didn't Mother used to air out the quilts or shake them or something to that effect?" asked Jasper thoughtfully.

"Well if she needs to air the quilt, she can do that when she gets here. Besides, I have the whole corner of the back pasture fence to fix today. I don't have time to shake a blanket," Emmett said, throwing his bowl toward the sink.

"I guess I should take out all the seeds that I have drying on the shelves before she gets here," Edward said. "I need to get the rest of the side garden planted tomorrow, and there's the barn roof to patch today."

Jasper took his last bite of eggs and stood up from the table. "I've got to start chopping all the wood from the section of the North forest we cleared. It should be dry by now. I won't be back until dark," he said, cutting a chunk of cheese and throwing it into a sack with a loaf of bread and two apples.

Edward and Jasper began walking toward the door when Emmett yelled, "Hey what do you think this is! I'm not your hired girl! I'm not cleaning up your dishes for you!" He paused for a moment, then said "Well, I guess Aunt Esme can probably clean them when she gets here. We have enough to last until then."

As they walked outside, the three Cullen brothers vaguely registered that they had let their childhood home fall into a sad state of repair. They always kept the homestead functioning well, but they didn't mind little things like dirty dishes, dusty bedrooms, and holes in their clothes. Maybe Aunt Esme would fix those things for them. And if she didn't, then nobody was around to care anyway.

Esme Cullen carried a large, steaming pot of beef stew to the table. Setting it down, she reached for the ladle to begin dishing the stew into bowls when Emmett asked "Got any ketchup handy?"

"Emmett, my stew can stand on its own feet," she responded, smiling.

"We'll see," Emmett said, spearing a bite with his fork. Chewing, he heard her ask "Good?"

He paused for a moment, savoring the flavor of several spices that added a delicious taste to the stew. While Edward cooked and kept them from going hungry, it was nothing compared to this.

"Good!" he said, nodding appreciatively.

"Yes, delicious Aunt Esme. Thank you," said Edward.

"Absolutely, thanks Aunt Esme," Jasper added.

"You are all very welcome," Esme answered, then looked at her husband. Carlisle was chewing away, and as he caught her eye he smiled.

"Esme makes the best stew this side of the Mississippi," he said. "And not just stew. You should try her cornbread!"

"Mmmm," Emmett said around the food in his mouth, imagining hot buttery corn bread on the table instead of Edward's usual dry wheat loaves.

"Aunt Esme, this stew is nice and thick, not runny like Edward always makes it. And the vegetables aren't mushy, and it just...tastes more like stew," said Jasper thoughtfully.

Esme laughed, and Edward glared at him. "Well, you boys don't look like you've been starving up here. Edward must be doing something right."

At this, Edward gave her half a smile in thanks. "All right, I'll break down and ask. How do you make your stew so good? After all, you won't be here forever so I need to learn your secrets while I can. Unfortunately these two aren't very much help when it comes to cooking." He looked pointedly at Emmett and Jasper, who sat innocently eating their stew.

Esme proceeded to explain how adding flour to the stew helps thicken the gravy, and adding the vegetables halfway through instead of at the beginning keeps them from becoming total mush. "You can add things like salt, pepper, onions, garlic, bay leaves, and whatever you think will taste good."

"I put salt and pepper in my stew!" Edward said triumphantly.

The three backwoods Cullen brothers had been subjected to a rather rough awakening when their Aunt and Uncle arrived. After a tour of the outbuildings, Carlisle immediately began showing them an improved system for organizing their tools and work equipment, which the boys hadn't realized they needed badly. Capable and hard working, Esme had walked into their large log cabin, set down her suitcase, rolled up her sleeves, and gotten to work cleaning and organizing the interior. The first morning after she had been there, the brothers awoke to the tempting smells of bacon, pancakes, and hot muffins awaiting them downstairs. However, hilarity had ensued when they could not find their clothing. Emmett had grabbed Jasper by his red thermal pajamas and growled "Did you take my pants?"

"Why would I take your pants? That's ridiculous."

"I can't find them. I put them right here under my blankets last night. Where are they! Do I have to --"

Emmett was interrupted when Edward said, "Hold on, I'm looking for mine as well. I don't think Jasper would have taken both of our pants."

Rolling his eyes, Jasper joined in the search for the missing clothing. They overturned their twin mattresses, threw blankets to the floor and plowed through the contents of their dressers. The brothers had grown up sharing one large bedroom, and when their parents died, had been unable to decide who should take the master bedroom, so they had all just remained in their dorm-style room together. Just then a knock had sounded on their bedroom door.

"Good morning my nephews," Esme's cheerful voice drifted through the rough wood of their bedroom door. "If you're looking for your outside clothes, they're hanging up to dry. I came in and got them an hour ago. I do need your inside clothes though, please."

"You mean our underwear?" asked a horrified Edward, looking down at his red thermal pajamas, which just happened to match Jasper's and also Emmett's.

"Yes. Now will you pass it out to me or am I going to have to come in and get it?" Esme asked.

Edward sighed and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"Wait a minute, she wouldn't dare," said Emmett.

"Oh wouldn't I!" called Esme playfully, opening the door.

Startled, all three boys quickly pushed it closed so as not to expose themselves in their undies.

"All right, all right, you can have it," called Jasper, eager to avoid an underwear confrontation.

"Good. As soon as you're ready, come downstairs for breakfast. The food is hot and waiting!"

The brothers quickly wrapped themselves in quilts, which had obviously been aired and shaken earlier that morning, and went downstairs. They sat at the table, took one look at the delicious spread in front of them, and began grabbing it and stuffing themselves as fast as they could. After a few seconds of total breakfast pandemonium with eggs flying and muffins rolling, Esme yelled "Stop it! Stop it this instant! Don't you have the decency to wait for Grace?"

The boys glanced at her but said nothing, just kept shoveling food.

"Fine," shouted Esme over the mayhem. "If you're going to act like hogs, then you can eat like hogs!"

And with that she pushed the corner of the large table with all her might and dumped everything into the laps of Emmett and Edward. From that moment on that the brothers learned that Esme meant business. Her softly waving brown hair, kind brown eyes, and her gentle, mothering tendencies had her nephews fooled for a day or two, but they soon learned she was not to be taken for granted. She had cleaned them up, made them shave their bushy beards (despite much protest from Edward, who loved his bronze beard dearly), mended their clothing, organized the kitchen, dusted the entire house, and had set a date for tonight to teach them some 'proper manners.'

After a hard day of work and a hearty meal of fried fish, baked potatoes, and vinegar pie, Esme herded the brothers into their sitting room. She surveyed the three men sitting before her. Despite their less than excited demeanors, she knew they needed this lesson. She began to explain to them how important it was to be proper gentlemen if they ever wanted to get wives.

"But Aunt Esme, we don't even know any girls!" protested Edward.

"Didn't you mention a barn raising coming up soon?" she asked, looking at Emmett. He shrugged.

"Lady that runs the general store downtown Forks said there was one the third Saturday of this month."

"Why Emmett, that means it's in two days! If you boys are ever going to be presentable at all, we have to hurry. It has taken me weeks to get you to stop picking your teeth with knives! Now, first we're going to go over how to talk to a girl."

Esme began instructing them on the finer points of conversation. She told them they must say something nice to begin. She asked Jasper for an example of something nice to say. He paused, his face wearing a thoughtful expression.

"Nice night for a coon hunt," he said hopefully.

Emmett slapped his knee, laughing hysterically.

Carlisle, who had been relaxing with the boys, laughed along with him. "You'll never make Jack-a-daddies out of these three!" He shook his head, looking at the confused brothers.

"Oh Carlisle, you get out of here. You could use some manners too you know," Esme huffed at him.

"What do I need manners for? I've already got me a wife!" Carlisle teased her, heading for the kitchen for the last piece of pie.

Esme proceeded to go over many tips and tactics for meeting girls. The brothers hadn't been around girls much at all, as their mother died when Edward was 4, Emmett 6, and Jasper 7. Their father never remarried and they hardly ever went to town growing up. They had kept the habits of their father, who died when the boys were 20, 19, and 17, six years previous. As Esme discovered, they needed quite a bit of help. She went through everything she could think of to help them, including and especially the rule of 'no fighting!' She knew the brothers were prone to start impromptu fistfights and wrestling matches at the smallest provocation from one another. She didn't want them to sully what little reputation they might have by fighting the men in town. Then she decided to move on to dancing.

"You mean men are learning how to dance?" asked Jasper worriedly.

"Yes, it is a fashion that came directly from Paris, France," said Esme emphatically, as though three men in the backwoods of Washington should already know this. "You're all going to learn! Everyone will be dancing at the barn raising, and you don't want any other men to take your girls because you're standing on the sidelines unable to dance, like a bunch of backward oafs!"

This sounded reasonable to the boys, so they reluctantly agreed to try it. After several rounds of clomping and stumbling, yelps from Esme as her feet were crushed or her hair accidentally pulled, Edward finally said "Aunt Esme, come here. I'm going to try this again."

Esme walked toward him. She began to hum a tune that she explained was called Goin' Courtin'.

"I like that, it's snappy," said Edward. Jasper and Emmett agreed, and they all started humming along.

Edward had a serious look of determination in his eyes. "Prepare yourself. I'm going to do this right."

Esme grasped his hand with one hand and his shoulder with the other. He gripped her waist and on the count of three, began expertly twirling her to the beat of Goin' Courtin'. It was really quite amazing how Edward danced. It was like he had been secretly practicing out in the woods instead of chopping down trees and feeding cattle. But no, it turned out to be a surprising family trait – because suddenly Edward whirled Esme into Emmett's waiting arms. Dashingly masculine yet graceful, Emmett twirled Esme around the room in time to the song that everyone was now out and out singing. They had all learned the words intuitively, while dancing. After a few moments of further perfection, Jasper cleared his throat and did a very natural heel kick as he grabbed her and kept dancing where Emmett left off. Esme was giddy with excitement and the three dancing brothers were enjoying themselves immensely. As the third rendition of Goin' Courtin' came to a close, the boys threw their arms into the air and yelled to no one in particular, "Keep your fishin', and fussin', and fightin' , and cussin', and trappin', ' cause we're goin' courtin'!"

They had really learned some incredible manners. They were now suave and self-confident. All in all, a terrific night.

* * *

_Well there we go...one chapter down. PLEASE take a minute and review to let me know if you think it's worth continuing. I would really appreciate reviews, good or bad! Like I said...my first story...all criticism and suggestions are welcome! :) Thank you for reading!_


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